Roots

They always say God works in mysterious ways, and I suppose He does indeed.  But sometimes...He also works in some pretty clear and simple ways, and here am I, looking and longing for the 'mystery' to make it harder (translation: to give myself excuses for not following through on next steps).

Days ago, I was praying and daydreaming about a move that seemed--to my extremely finite mind--inevitable with Mac's upcoming graduation.  I prayed for the decisions (I thought) we would be making, for clarity, for strength to tackle this move and start over in a new place.  And God surprised me by giving my husband a job right here, right now (months sooner than I thought it could even be a possibility).  You'd think I'd be celebrating, right?  But I was heartbroken.

Staying here means putting some roots down, and that is something this commitment-phobic no-sayer has very skillfully avoided her whole life.  We were so fortunate to fall into a melting pot of amazing friends when we moved here, but through various chapters of various stories--some of them sorrow-filled, as you know by now--one by one everybody's gone their own way.  Naturally, I thought this meant that it was our turn to leave soon, but it turns out it just means it's time for me to grow up...or to grow 'down', if you will.

Moving would have meant starting all over in a brand new place, which can be scary, of course.  But you know what I think scares me more?  Starting all over right where I'm at.  Risking rejection where I am already known, allowing myself to get lost where I know my way around, falling down when everyone thinks that I know how to walk by now.  It brings me face to face with the fact that it's not so much the circumstances that require changing...it's me.

And if it weren't already clear and simple enough that God has provided a way for us here:  After weeks of stress and panic over our income being cut by a third and not knowing how we're going to make it, a looming debt's been suddenly paid and I got another raise today...the second in less than a month.  I have to laugh at how good God is to this Eeyore.

Driving home from work today.

Texas, it looks like you're stuck with us for a little while longer.  I love you--I wish you were closer to home--but I really do love you.